Bridge Over Troubled Waters...

Well it's been an emotional couple of days. My hormones are rocking all over the place and Doug showed up here last night in a bad mood. So we fought, I cried... typical crap for us. I hate doing this all alone and it affects the way I deal with him. When I should let stuff slide off my shoulders, it sticks and I get a tad crazy.

The baby is very active today and the last little while. Or should I say as active as she can be getting squished inside me. I'm getting nervous about the delivery now - I don't want an epidural (too many horror stories) so I want to do this natural which I know will involve pain. Then again I survived the miscarriages by myself with no pain meds so I can't see this being much worse and like I said in a previous post at the end of it I'll be holding my little girl. I'm going to take a list of phone numbers with me to the hospital on D-Day so I can call and let people know. Although I don't know if I can call long distance from the hospital or not or a certain someone in Alberta would be my first call. I'll get a list together for my mother to call though as soon as she can get her head out of her own ass.

Mom is really fighting me on this whole church thing - I don't want my baby being dragged to church or all over the place to prove how great of a grandmother she is. I don't really trust her to follow what I say when it comes to my baby and it bothers me that I feel that way. But I know how she is and she doesn't respect me or my beliefs so it's causing some tension. Oddly enough, the aunt that I fought with my entire teenage life is quickly becoming the closest family member (besides Krista) to me. Aunt Darla and I spent YEARS fighting and not speaking and now she has become the mother I always wished I had. She supports my decisions and my beliefs and what I want to do with my baby. It's amazing. She's even willing to go to bat with my mom, which few people are willing to do. Mind you, I think at 27 I shouldn't be scared of my own mother or standing up to her but the woman is mildly insane I swear and battling with her always gets WAY uglier than it needs to be.

So I have bread on rasing, a cake in the oven and am about to start sweet and sour meatballs for supper. I have all the dishes done and I need to do some vacuuming so I should get my ass off this thing and get my stuff done. My love to you all.

Ter

Why You Gotta Look So Good??

Do I need to explain the title? He comes here smelling amazing, all shaved, dressed to kill and having that sexy little strut. He knows how badly he affects me and always will. *sighs*

Why You Gotta Look So Good Lyrics

Mmm mmm
Mmm mmm
Mmm mmm
Mmm mmm

Yesterday was not a good day
I went to the Doctor to hear the news
He had the nerve to call me crazy, deranged
A victim of child abuse
Said somethin' was wrong with my head
Told me someone was messin' wit my mind
Said you gotta get out the situation girl
It's only a matter of time
And I knew he was right
One day I'm gonna wake up
And find the strength to leave your ass behind
Maybe if your paper wasn't stacked
Or if the sex was wack
Or maybe if you was fat
But damn

Why you gotta look so good?
Damn you make it so hard to leave you
Why you gotta look so good?
I don't want nobody else to have you
So why you gotta look so good? (So good)
Cause I know you aint' never gon' treat me right
Why you gotta look so good?
And I can't get no sleep at night
No, no
Mmm mmm
Mmm mmm
Mmm mmm you look so good
Mmm mmm
Why you look so good

The flyest thing that I ever seen (Ever seen)
Lookin' like the cover to a magazine (To a magazine)
Remember the day that I met you (That I met you)
I knew right away I had to mess wit u you (I had to get wit you)
All you do is sit and run your mouth (Run your mouth)
So sick and tied
I wanna put you out
See I fuss and fight you almost everynight (Night)
I keep packing my shit
But damn, them abs is tight
One day I'm gonna wake up
And find the strength to leave your ass behind
Boy I wish you wasn't quite so big
And damn them sexy lips
Boy you know that shoulda shit

Why you gotta look so good (Why you gotta look so good)
You make it so hard to leave you
Why you gotta look so good (Why you gotta look so good)
Don't want nobody else to have you
So why you gotta look so good (Why you gotta look so good)
I know you aint' never gon treat me right
Why you gotta look so good
And I can't get no sleep at night
No, no

Why you gotta look so good
whoa, why
Why you gotta look so damn good
Why you gotta look so good
Oh, ya makin' me sick
I can never say no to them lucious lips
Why you gotta look so good
You got a million chicks
And I don't know why I put up with ya shit
Why you gotta look so good
Why ya gotta look so good
It's so hard to leave you babe

We both know
If you woulda put on some extra pounds
I would left a long time ago
But ya bank account is jumpin'
And ya neck got all kinda of glow
You know that every time you end up cryin I fold
And can't seem to make up a good enough reason to hit the road
Some reason I'm movin' backwards
When I try to stamp out
For every pair of pants I pack
You take a pair of pants out
It's a shame how ya female anatomy
Keeps on grabbin' me
Havin' me spendin' less and less
time with Toya and Natalie
I admit
Your body is one of the things that had to be
Havin' fallin' victim
And all of my niggas mad at me
I was taught
In every relationship there's a casualty
So I suggest you stop naggin' me
Cause I will not
Keep sittin' back puttin' up witcha shhh
And I will not, nope
Go back on my word as soon as you strip
And I will not, nope
Contradict myself
Oh look what happend
I forgot
Make sure you come back up in the same spot
(Just can't say goodbye)

Why you gotta look so good
No, no
Why you gotta look so good
I had to get witchu
Why you gotta look so good
Why you gotta look so good
Why you gotta look so good
Why you gotta look so good

ANYWAY - I had another doctors appointment today, she tried to remove a piercing I had done about 8 years ago with no sucess. So it looks like I'm stuck with the thing for a while longer, it won't interfere with delivery so I won't worry about it. I didn't get to the IWK yet but I have another doctors appointment next Friday and I'm gonna set everything up for then which will work fine as long as I don't go into labour before then *smiles*. I really hope I don't though because my doctor is away until next weekend and I don't want anyone else delivering this baby. I trust Dr. Griffin like I have NEVER trusted a medical professional and I know in her hands, both the baby and I would be fine.

My blood pressure is really high again and she's a little concerned about it. So she asked me what was going on and I tried to fill her in on everything that's been going on and she just stared at me. She wants me out of this house and away from these people. She wants me in a place where I decide who I see and who I talk to.

Mom and Dad have given Leah until the end of the month to have her stuff out of this house - which kind of shocked me but at the same time its a good thing. There was a BIG article in the Hants Journal about the house Leah is living in today, and while they didn't mention her name - it was pretty clear whom they were speaking about. Horrifying stuff.

Glad to see the lost one wasn't really lost at all, just her daughter worrying and worrying the rest of us too I'm sure (for anyone who reads T's blog).

Ok thats enough crap to fling at the faithful who read this blog everyday - I know it's kinda all over the place but it does have a point and I find writing in this thing extremely cathartic.

My love to all of you.

Ter

Reversal of a Dog

Do any of you remember that song? From the Boomerang soundtrack?? I came across the soundtrack today and I HAVE ALWAYS loved that song. I guess maybe running into Meaghan yesterday sparked my brain for all the old times. Or maybe the title suits a certain man in my life???

So I DO have a medical and drug plan now.... surprise surprise!!! Very exciting for me - no more paying outrageous prices for drugs and when I have the baby I can have a semi private or private room (whichever I want) and pay the SLIGHT different instead of paying almost 200 a day to have a room by myself. Which reminds me I must set up an appointment at the IWK to get those details worked out. Maybe I should do that tomorrow where I have an appointment in the city anyway. Yes another one.

They didn't remove the mole, they want to wait until the baby is born before cutting me, which I HIGHLY approve of. So we made another appointment for 2 months time and that will give me time to heal up after the delivery too.

Anyone have formula suggestions??? Powder or liquid?? Brands?? Etc etc.

Thats all for now. I'm bloody exhausted. I laid down to read for a bit and the next thing I knew it was 4 hours later and the book was leaving a nice print in my face. And I could go right back to bed and go back to sleep. I think I have a bit of a sleep debt, but the little one inside me likes to be awake all night, the little monkey.

ALSO - on the look out for a stuffed wolf. I cannot FIND one, let alone buy one. So if anyone sees one, please take note of the store and let me know ok???

Love you all and a certain someone has a pain in her arm and her daughter is in Alberta worrying about her. Don't ignore pains in your arm cuse if that was one of us you would kick our asses all the way to the doctor.

*kisses*

Ter

Just a Quickie :)

Ok weird couple of days. Still feeling like garbage (BIG TIME) but hopefully after today I'll have a drug and medical plan thanks to Douglas. Finally I think he's waking up. (I hope). I won't put too much stock in it in case he's not really waking up and it's a big game, but he's not benefitting from it and he's still willing to do it so I guess that's a goods sign.

Ran into Meaghan Anthony yesterday - that was wild. She's still SOOO pretty and she recognized me almost immediately. We were standing there staring at each other and Doug had to ask me why we were doing that before we snapped out of it and started laughing. She remembered everything - then again I knew her for years. She just came back from Bermuda and she's a dental hygenist so good for her :)

Having heart burn like CRAZY - very painful when it feels like your chest is on fire, and I'm starting to slow down. I feel so big and clumsy and I couldn't run if my life depended on it. And now I have a doctors appointment to have a mole removed from my belly button (NOT FUN). I can't win these days.

Ok thats it for now - I have a couple of e-mails to reply to and then I'm off to the doctor. My love to you all.

Ter

Argh! Being Sick Sucks

So this is day three of feeling like utter SHIT. I didn't sleep for even 15 minutes last night and I'm so tired I can feel my eyes crossing. But do you think I can breathe if I lay down?? Nope. And the hospital will not release any information to me except to tell me there is nothing they can do for me.

I visited Chris' website http://www.amonworld.com and viewed his guestbook, which I usually do but today I HAD to say something. The last post in his guestbook was RUDE and very wrong. Susan is the type of woman I used to pray for as a mother, understanding, loving, sweet, intelligent and free speaking. She did nothing wrong. I can't believe it's been 3 years since he's been gone!

That's all I can say for now but I'll check in later. My love to you all!

Ter

Jack's Bad News....

So as of yesterday, Jack has been diagnosed with cerebral palsy. Krista (his mom) is a bloody mess and she is getting far to many "untrue" facts from everyone she knows and it's making her far more worked up then she originally was. She's a smart girl and I am hoping will figure it out on her own but people certainly aren't making it any easier on her. I am terribly worried about the two of them, but I am also caught up in my own dramas and can't afford to loose sleep over this. So I'm charging up to send as much white light to J and K as I can to help them through this. If anyone wants to join me, please feel free.

I'm still highly hormonal and moody but am still so relieved about how the fetal assessment went that it helps alot when I'm down.

I'm also sick as a dog with a headache, fever, coughing and runny nose. I feel like complete garbage but because I'm pregnant there isn't much I can take. Tam suggested I call the hospital and see what they suggest so I think I will do just that. (Thanks Sis).

Payday on Tuesday from EI so I am thinking I need a hair cut and die job. Anyone know anything specific about pregnant women dying their hair?? I was told the smell might bother me but other than that as long as its a well ventalated area I would be fine.???

No word from Leah in all these days. What a mess that thing is, although I have a feeling that tomorrow when Mom and Dad come home from church, they'll have her in tow.

Did I mention I want to move to Alberta??

Ter

So... I Had My Fetal Assessment...

This one will be short and sweet. I'll get back online later and REALLY update but I didn't want to leave everyone hanging about my fetal assessment which was this morning at 9 am. Turns out the "cyst" on the baby was..... can you guess??? HER BLADDER!!!! They were looking at the cyst and measuring it and all of a sudden AS SHE PEED it disappeared! It was HILARIOUS and I am SO relieved. The surgeon who stood in is wondering if perhaps she had another cyst that has since disappeared so she will have an ultrasound shortly after birth to confirm everything but she looks amazing. I got a picture which I'm going to scan even though it's hard to make her out. She is 5 pounds 1 ounce, so she's gaining weight at a CRAZY rate, which is excellent. She gained 1 pound and 1 ounce in 17 days so we are looking at about 7 pounds at birth which is just fine with me. They said today that her due date is now between August 6th and August 18th so I'll have to stay close to home until she gets here but I don't mind, considering how today went. I didn't sleep a WINK last night worrying about how it would go.

Alas my nesting instincts have kicked into overdrive and they had a baby shower for me last night so I now have a TON of things to pick through and organize. SO... I'm off to call Student Loan and then off to arrange my room and pack the baby's hospital bag. I'll update more later.

Love to you all and thanks for caring about me.

Ter

Unfaithful....

This will be a short one. Learning alot these days about things that have occured in my past and affected me directly that I didn't get to know about until now. I'm really sad these days, it takes NOTHING to make me cry. Literally if I sit somewhere and think at all I cry. I need a hug so desperately that I don't even know what to do anymore. My family is having a baby shower for me tonight, I'm not looking forward to it. I should be I guess, but I'm not. I just never wanted to be here in my life and now I am and it's really hard. I'm totally exhausted - this pregnancy is wiping me. It's 11 am and I just got up, mind you I didn't sleep until almost 6 am. I miss being important to someone. I miss being held and kissed. Ok this blog is offically depressing. So I'll end it as is.

I miss who I used to be, not this sad lump of a woman I've become. I have a daughter coming and I have to suck it up, but part of me is so terrified I don't know where to begin anymore.

Ter

What a day...

Ok so topic one will be Leah. She showed up here with my family after church today and proceeded to eat her face off and hog the bathroom for hours so she could get ready to go into town to go to... you guessed it, Trevor's. And my stupid parents were dumb enough to take her there. I cannot BELIEVE the bull shit of a couple of days ago and now they are taking her back there for more of it. I wonder how long before there are more phone calls made to this house from one of the two of them. The whole thing makes me sick. I can't stand the drama and then Mom and Dad feed right into it again. How about if Leah wants to go to Trevor's, someone else takes her??? Why is it our problem?? She has an ultrasound tomorrow and so everything is being dropped for her to go to this ultrasound. I just cannot wrap my brain around the fact that all the drama and the cops and the phone calls from her boyfriend and two days later and its like nothing happened at all.

I am so bloody cranky I can barely see straight. I could just HURT someone right now and I hope for peoples sake they stay the hell out of my face. I don't even feel like I can handle the people I like right now, let alone the people who annoy me.

Doug is coming over tonight after work and all I want to do is throw myself into his arms and hide my face and let him talk me down. He's the ONLY person who is safe with me right now. I need a back rub (I know I won't get it) but I need sex too and its making me crazy. I've never been so horny in my life. I'm told it's normal for increased sex drive in pregnant women. Some are affected by a decrease in sex drive, NOT MOI. So do I deny myself the man I crave?? Or do I allow it and feel bad tomorrow?? OR do I allow it and try to control it... or own it as what I need and not feel bad tomorrow??? I don't know what to do.

So I'll just have to update tomorrow on how that all goes. I can SEE how it will go though.... I'm too weak with him.

Keb (aka Krista - my biological sister, the mother of Jack) is SUCH a mess these days I don't even know how to approach her. She was CRANKY as hell the whole time she was pregnant with Jack and while she has days during which she can be nice, she's still a major bitch 98% of the time. I worry about her. She's so unhappy. She's single (THANK THE GODDESS) because she left the idiot father, but she seems to feel that she NEEDS a man to complete her life. And I am SOO not the one to be giving her advice on that subject right now.

Ok that's enough bitching for one blog. I have more to do but it can wait. I'm talking to my best friend on webcam and its a rare treat so I'm off for now.

Love you all.
Ter

Just a Note...

For now I wanted everyone to know I will be blogging a LONG one tonight. I have ALOT to say and not enough time to say it right now so just a heads up for you people who have beach concerts, there will be a long blog on here tonight.

Topics to be covered : Leah and her boyfriend, my mother, Christopher, Keb and Doug.

Love to you all and hopefully I'll get caught up on everyone else's blogs then too.

Ter

Fun Little Thing....

1. FIRST & Middle NAME: Teri-Lynn Frances

2. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? Yup - Great grandmother and Playboy March 1979

3. WHEN DID YOU LAST CRY? I'm pregnant - I cry ALOT

4. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? Yup

5. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCHMEAT? Tuna or salami

6. KIDS? 1 enroute :) Plus I borrow a kid from Cheryl once in a while.

7. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? I doubt it... I'm pretty strange

8. DO YOU HAVE A JOURNAL? Yup - yer reading it :)

9. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT? Sarcasm???? What's that???

10. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? Nope - not since grade 6

11. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? Not while I'm pregnant but I would give it a go

12. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL? Fruit Loops or Berry Burst Cheerios

13. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? No!

14. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? Yup

15. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM? Coffee

16. SHOE SIZE? 8 1/2

17. RED OR PINK? Red

18. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF? Thighs

19. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? Tam - but I still get to talk to her on here

20. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO SEND THIS BACK TO YOU? Doesn't really apply.

21. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES YOU ARE WEARING? Blue pants, no shoes

22. LAST THING YOU ATE? Tuna sandwich

23. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? Maneater by Nelly Furtado

24. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? Black

25. What are your FAVORITE SMELLS? babies, fresh cut grass and everything bagels being toasted (this is Cheryl's answer - but it's perfect) but I add a horse barn***

26. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU SPOKE TO ON THE PHONE? Doug

27. THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE YOU ARE ATTRACTED TO? Eyes

28. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU? She's ok - she'll probably never see these replies, I don't think she knows I even have a blog

29. FAVORITE DRINK? Schweppes Raspberry Ginger Ale

30. FAVORITE SPORT? Football (New England Patriots baby!!! or the NY Jets)

32. EYE COLOR? Green... or hazel... or blue.... or almost black (depends on my mood however usualy green)

33. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? I want them, does that count??

34. FAVORITE FOOD? Donairs from Pizza Delight, caesar salad, greek food, chocolate (I could go on and on)

35. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDING? Scary movies!!!

36. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? Underworld Evolution

37. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? Gray

38. SUMMER OR WINTER? Summer

39. HUGS OR KISSES? Kisses, long, sweet, slow ones OR hard, insistent, passionate ones

40. FAVORITE DESSERT? Cherry cheesecake

41. WHO IS MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND? Doesn't really apply

42. Least LIKELY TO RESPOND? Doesn't really apply

43. WHAT BOOKS ARE YOU READING? Stephen King - Firestarter and Dean Koontz's Frankenstein Book 2

44 WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? 1972 Chevy Nova

45. WHAT DID YOU WATCH LAST NIGHT ON TV? CSI - my FAVORITE show

46. FAVORITE SOUNDS? Jack giggling or Doug moaning (did I ACTUALLY write that?)

47. ROLLING STONE OR BEATLES? Beatles

48. THE FURTHEST YOU BEEN FROM HOME? Boston or Toronto

49. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT? I can ride any horse alive OR I can write with my toes OR I see dead people (ghosts)

50. WHEN AND WHERE WERE YOU BORN? March 23, 1979 - Yarmouth Nova Scotia

I Bought a Dress...

Yes someone write it down on the calendar. I Teri-Lynn Frances Brown bought a dress. It's sort of sun dressish, black and white, doesn't even bother trying to hide my belly but you know what?? I don't care. I loved it as soon as I saw it and it only cost me $4.00. Am I cheap or what??? I bought a pair of pants too made out of soccer shirt material and a little pair of shorts for Jack. I'll take pictures of him in them and I will share. And perhaps I'll get someone to take pictures of me in the dress (which I intend to put on as soon as it's clean) and I'll post them.

Everyone is still gone so it's still super laid back around here. It's been nice but I haven't gotten a damned thing done today except laundry. It's so bloody hot here... I really wish we had a pool. I'm too self conscious to go to the beach and really enjoy myself.

Ok I just thought I should update a bit and let everyone know what had gone on. No Leah updates.... let's keep our fingers crossed on that one.

Love to ya'll,
Ter

My Day Alone

Well, the whole family except for me, Dad and my aunt's husband Bill have gone shopping until 4 ish or so and I must admit it's bloody nice. Silence has descended upon the farm. Leah has called numerous times, however Dad and I swore to each other neither one of us would answer - we'll let Mom deal with it when she gets back from spending her money.

Tomorrow is the inpromptu service for my grandfather, we're spreading his ashes, and his best friend is going to come speak. I must admit it's very weird not having Grampie around. I wish I had more pictures of him, but most of the pictures we have, he was already sick and dying. I miss the man who used to throw me in the air, the man who was so concerned about my "eternal soul" but never once preached AT me. He was a Baptist minister all his life, but a farmer too and I loved him dearly. I lived with both he and my grandmother for quite a while, when Mom and I were having our worst times. It was a nice break. But you never really realize what someone means to you until their gone.

I've lost alot of people in my life and I think by way of memory I will list them here:

Ernest Ulyesses Brown (Paternal grandfather) (1987)
Timothy Dwayne Watkins (Friend/4-H comrade) (1995)
Nicholas Leo Paul D'Eon (Sooooo much...) (1997)
Melinda McKenzie Lynch (Maternal Great Grandmother) (2001)
Stella Brown (Paternal Great Grandmother) (2001)
Stewart Judson MclEarn (Maternal Grandfather) (2004)

Death has me caught in her grip. I feel so alone without some of these people in my life. It's been a strange trip.

Ok I'm off for some lunch and a trip to Frenchy's to see if I can find some clothes to make me look atleast a little bit nice. I'm so tired of throwing on whatever will fit! Hope everyone is ok out in blog world.

Ter

Christopher Douglas Arsenault

I have so much to say about this boy. Looks like his daddy doesn't he? I figured I would post his picture the night before because I fully intend to write a bit about him tomorrow and I thought a face with a name is usually helpful.

Leah is at a friend of Mom's for the night. No jail and no mental institution. *sighs*. Tomorrow could get really ugly now.

Night all - more in the morning.

Leah - These Days

Well I just spent 30 minutes consoling a man who is not my boyfriend, who is in fact the father of Leah's baby and he is a mess. Leah attacked him today with a piece of glass and attempted to slit his throat. Now the cops have her at the hospital trying to get a psychiatrist to tell them if she is legally sane or not. I'm hoping the doctor will say "No she is not" and then she can be put someplace she won't hurt anyone for a while. If she is declared legally sane then she will be coming home to this house and my parents. Which neither I nor Krista want ANY part of. I no longer feel safe with her around. And certainly when my baby arrives I will not. So I am actively seeking an apartment in Dartmouth or Halifax. A two bedroom and I'll take care of myself, my baby and my cat. King is going to stay here and I will travel back and forth for both him and Angel but my father will step in in the interim to feed them and see that they get the care they require. When I can financially do it, I will move them to a barn closer to me.

This is hard on me.... walking away from my animals but I have to, for the sake of my own sanity and safety and that of my child. Leah cannot be trusted anymore as far as I'm concerned. She is dangerous and needs to be treated as such.

I just realized this is like blog # 7 for today alone. So anyone who hasn't checked in, will have ALOT of reading to do.

Trevor (the father of Leah's baby) has just called here again - he's a bloody mess and I can't imagine what he's going through. His dad died last month, his mom is dying, he has a baby on the way and his gf is INSANE. So he is really panicked about where Leah might be right now. The hospital is saying neither she nor the cops are there anymore, but I haven't heard anything. So he is calling the police station now to find out if they'll tell him where she is. They PROMISED us they wouldn't just release her so here's hoping the cops keep their word.

Ter

Just a Quick Picture of my Dad...

My family and the trials of being one of them...

I don't know why but my entire life I have felt that I didn't belong to the family I was born into. I feel out of place with them, around them and whenever I say anything to them. They don't know me very well and don't seem to care to. I am by far the closest to my Dad. He's the special one to me and always has been. I guess perhaps it's because I'm alot like him. His temper, his way of doing things. But even he has moments when he looks at me and I can see he's wondering how I ended up being who I am. I know I'm a disappointment to them - they've told me this in exact terms. Now I've reached a point in my life where being a disappointment to them, doesn't bother me half as much for reasons, but those same reasons increase my concern because my baby girl is about to come into this world and I don't want her to ever feel I am not good enough, or lacking in some way because I don't agree with their views. In fact it will make me quite savage should someone put those thoughts into her little head.

I will not allow my baby to be taken to church every Sunday, I have long ago turned my back on the church, it did nothing for me except betray me and while I have no active commission against their beliefs or their places of worship, I want her to be old enough to make her own decisions. Should she come to me and tell me she would like to go to church, then I will take her myself and pick her up myself. I do not believe in censoring children, I believe she should be free to grow and mature and decide for herself.

I guess this is all coming up because my mothers sister is up from Boston. Too many family members and not enough of MY kind of people.

Anyway - the cops have Leah again so I must go and see what the drama is. I'll post more when I know it.

Ter

PS. Did I mention I wanted to move to Alberta??

WHY OH WHY????

Do I allow this shit to go on??? He has TOLD me he's moving to Edmonton and that he doesn't love me anymore and yet he shows up here and I open my heart and arms to him, to wipe away his fears, or help him deal with something. I know all his banking information because he's useless with it and someone needs to control those things for him... so why is that still me?? He borrows money from me, he gets me to babysit Chris, rub his back, his feet or his legs and I STILL DO IT. I make all these plans in my head - that's it! I'm standing firm! No caving and the next time he's in front of me I can't say no. He needs me and I am a big bowl of jello. He treats me like CRAP and I cry so much so many nights and then he's back again and I'm lost all over again! I get so mad at myself.

All this pregnancy stuff too, doctors appointments and things - I don't want my mother with me... AT ALL and yet I have no choice because I need a ride there so how else do I pull that off living 45 minutes from the city? I just want to have my baby and get away from these PEOPLE.

Also they just called because I have a fetal assessment on the 21st at 9 am. WHY THE HELL DO I HAVE A FETAL ASSESSMENT?? No explaination. No nothing. So now I sit and chew my nails until next Friday and I worry. Is it because of the cyst?? Or is something else wrong??

I want to move to Alberta.

Ter

Guess What I'm Thinking...?

Ok... I just found this picture from last night. Can anyone guess what I'm thinking?? Cuse I can't! What a face!!!

Pictures from Last Night

Ok had a camp fire last night and anyone who knows me, knows I LOVE fire. ANYWAY - needless to say I built it. Doug and Christopher were both here and so were my family from the States. Pardon my look - its a new pregnancy look I'm trying.

Ter

Too early...

Well it's too early in the morning to seriously blog however there are about 15 people sharing this computer and so my time on it is severely limited. Tam I am SO jealous of your laptop. Ask Pat where mine is? :) Jack has been sick and they're testing him for cystic fibrosis, and I have a fetal assessment on the 21st at 9 am which I have NO idea what thats for. I still need blood work and another doctors appointment but my car is not working and so I have to rely on everyone else for rides places right now and it's making me crazy.

I'm terribly worried about Jack and about my baby and I cannot afford to worry about Leah right now, I've decided it's her life to screw up and we all have hard lessons to learn so, I'll stand back and let her make them. I've kind of washed my hands of the whole mess after I caught her trying to get in Doug's pants. (I'm not bloody impressed).

So hopefully sometime later on today I'll get some more time online so I can really catch you up but I just wanted ya'll to know I'm alive and I miss ya.

Ter

More pictures of Jack :)

Ok I seriously need some cheering up so I thought a couple of new pictures of Jack were in order. Did anyone figure out yet how much I love this little boy???

The Story of Leah - a day early

Had some extra online time so I thought perhaps I would share the story of Leah a day earlier than I planned, because its weighing so heavily on my mind.

My parents got Leah as a foster child when she was a mere 6 years old and in that time she had lived a very full life. Her biological father and mother had both abused her and left a wreck of a child behind. She lived with us until she turned 13 and became completely unmanageable - she attacked my mother and then a cop with a knife. So she was sent to a home in Ottawa for kids like her where she stayed until she turned 16 and they could no longer "force" her to stay there. She soon returned to Nova Scotia and moved back into the area where my parents now live. Mom and Dad have done everything to support her, financially, emotionally and physically. She met a boy from their church and was living with him within the month.

2 weeks later she was pregnant. So now, she is due on November 29th, 2006 to give birth and she is a bloody mess. The pregnancy has further complicated all the mental illnesses she has and added extra hormones into the mess she has become. She is hateful toward my parents, and toward anyone and everyone else in her life with the exception of me. However she cares very little about the baby she carries and Family and CHildren Services have already stepped in and the baby will be taken from her unless she decides on her own to give it up for adoption. And guess who the baby will go to if she doesn't relinquish custody willingly... thats right, my parents. My mom is 48 and my father will be 56 in September. The baby will more than likely be special needs given her drug use during this pregnancy. My biological sister Krista (Jack's mom) is HORRIFIED at the thought of all this and I must say, at this point so am I.

My parents.... while they mean well, are NOT good parents. They are the VERY thing I mentioned in my first posts. They have a mold in their heads that they expect their children to live and grow into and if they don't, well then they're failures. I am one such failure in their eyes. However this baby is coming and I think as does Krista that it will be one SERIOUS mess. If Mom and Dad try to raise this baby and Leah is given access to it at all, bad things will happen. She isn't stable, not in the least nor is the baby's father. Neither of them have an education, neither will work or earn money and they are completely selfish children caught up in their own worlds.

I don't know what to do about the whole thing except wash my hands of the whole mess. I cannot worry about all this drama without getting short of breathe and panicked. I have my own life and baby to worry about and this mess was so preventable. I see how sick Jack was when he was first born (he was born almost 2 months premmature with a blood blockage in his brain, underweight and grownth restricted) and I know what kind of Mom Krista is, how much she deserved a healthy baby. She did EVERYTHING right, she quit smoking, she quit pot, she ate right, took her vitamins and yet Leah does not give a shit what happens to the life she carries. She has done cocaine, ecstasy and been drunk numerous times sincefinding out she was pregnant.

Just when I think I get my brain around the whole thing it blows up in my face again, Leah will call me crying or show up here and I don't know what to do with her anymore. Do I turn my back on her??? Do I stand by and watch this happen, or do I run screaming into the night and never show my face to this family again???

Its too messy for words and I know I've skipped crucial information regarding this whole situation, I'm sure some of you are scratching your heads with a thousand questions so please ask away because it will help me explain better. But I just needed to get as much down as I could.

Ter

IT'S A GIRL!!!!! The good, the bad and the ugly...

So I had my ultrasound yesterday and then our internet decided to shut down for the day so I JUST got online to post in my blog. After talking to my sister today I realized how much I have to fill in everyone on but the most important thing right now is

1) no c-section for moi, my placenta has shifted and is now nice and high in my uterus thus removing the hemorrage danger (REALLY EXCITING)
2) it's a girl (ALSO REALLY EXCITING) however their reason for telling me is kind of scary. She and I both have cysts on our ovaries. I knew about mine, her's, well I had no idea. So she may be born needing surgery to correct this or to remove an ovary but I have been told not to worry about it and that is causes her no pain. The only concern is that the cyst could twist her ovary around and deform it, thus creating the need to remove it.

So Doug is quite upset about the sex of the baby, while I sorta knew but it was nice to have confirmed, even though their reason for confirming it might suck in the long run. Anyway if I haven't given birth in 4 weeks they are going to do another ultrasound to check on her and if I have given birth, they will just ultrasound her and check on the cyst.

Have I mentioned I hate cysts??? I can deal with mine, however one on my baby girl??? I have told NO ONE in my real "live" world about the cyst on the baby. I couldn't stand to hear them go on like I know they will.

Doug is going to Edmonton for a job so I will be doing this whole thing completely alone. Which again I suspected but its hard to have everything confirmed in the same day. I still love him desperately, completely and without fail. The kind of heart pounding, breath stopping love that I know will never change and will never go away. But I can still do this.... I will raise an amazing daughter and thank the Goddess everyday that she brought Doug to me, if for no other reason than to show me that I can love like that and for him to give me a daughter.

I meant what I said in one of my first posts though. I will never love another man. However I am on the look out for an EXTRA LARGE dog in puppy form that I can raise and have in my life as a companion and friend. I don't want another man. *sighs*

So thats where my life stands as of right now... I miss my old life but my new life is becoming more interesting everyday. I'll keep you updated baout how everything plays out. However due to the events of the past couple of days, its becoming important for me to share the story of Leah, my adopted sister and what her life is/has become.

So tomorrow... the story of Leah.

I miss you T. I wish an electrical storm would light up my sky.

Ter

Two pictures to explain....

I am about 4 months pregnant in these two pictures. It was on my birthday this year (obviously) The man with me... he's the one I talked about in my first post. The last man I'll ever love. Unless I have a boy. He was everything I ever wanted.... I just think I wasn't that for him. Oh well... enough of that sadness... I'll write more on that another time. Enjoy :) And try to imagine what the two of us would produce for a baby. :)

Why the title???

I was asked very nicely in my comments why I have used the title that I have. Those who know me well know I am a witch, those who do not, well now you know :) When I say witch, we don't have warts, we don't fly on brooms and we don't kill ANYTHING let alone use something for some sick sacrafice. I have been a practising witch for 14 years now and have never regretted the move I made. For some reason..... the dead love me. Everyone has seen the movie "The Sixth Sense" well, you should try actually living it. It's kind of wild. Most people believe certain times of days and certain times of year are more "ghost friendly" than others, where the veil is thinnest, and I'll agree with that to an extent. However from about 11 pm until roughly 2 am, the dead have free rein on this earth and even the most blind eye will pick up on things, should they allow themselves to. However in my world, the veil is thinnest pretty much 24/7. So I think my blog is aptly named.

I hope this explaination doesn't freak anyone out or offend. Its not meant to at all but simply the truth as I see it, as I live it....

Tymber

More of Jack

Ok so only one picture worked but I think I figured out how to post pictures, so I'll add some more and see if I'm right. Then I'll come back and answer a question that was asked in my comments section.

Ter

How the King of Arms works out

Well, another day, another horse to fix.

Ari - my love I am glad you are safely with Pat. I worry, you know I worry and I not knowing if you were ok was making me wonky.

So I've taken on another horse project, along with the one I am currently involved in. Currently I have Angel, my "Teeniest of Po's" who is an 11 hand high, 13 year old shetland welsh mix pony who was in a bad way medically when I got her from Pubnico. She tends to founder and she was quite overweight when I took her on which will make the condition 1000 times worse. She has lost weight, she looks really good. Her coat gleams in the light now and she loves me madly, and vice versa. So now I am taking on a 16.2 hand high Thoroughbred with a bone chip on his hock and a dropped hip. His weight is down and so are his spirits but we'll soon set that to rights. He will be my personal riding horse once everything is fixed up and he's moving pain free again. I seem to attract this type of animal. The ones no one else wants or knows what to do with. King of Arms is his name and he's GORGEOUS.

Ok enough about my animals for one post, even though I am a month from giving birth and everyone thinks I'm bloody crazy for taking him on, I can't wait to get started on him. It will take some time anyway for him to feel better and be sound.

I am going to try and post some pictures of Jack on here. the other love of my life, my nephew, who is 9 months old tomorrow. I am vaguely obsessed with him and he is absolutely perfect in my eyes (he is my sanity most days). But I want everyone to see him and I know his mother won't mind.

I'll write more tomorrow or perhaps later today on Jacks long hard journey through life so far.

Love ya all!
Ter

The animal I have become....

Well, my best friend in life has a blog on here and in order to post comments in her blog I needed to join up. Yet while I have a blog elsewhere online, I am not nearly faithful enough to it and I think perhaps this one will spark my loyalty and become a dumping ground for all my thoughts and fears.

On August 6th I am due to give birth for the first time (full term that is). I've survived 3 miscarriages and its hurt me deeply, but this little light bringer that I carry is only about a month from her/his appearance (I know Tam - a girl :>) and everything is wonderful. Except that due to placenta previa I may require a c-section. So on Tuesday at 10:10 am I have another ultrasound (#5) to determine where my placenta has decided to go. Lets keep our fingers crossed for no c-section. I think I have enough on my plate without adding surgery to the list.

I am madly in love with the father of my baby - however he already has a child by someone else and he doesn't really want the one I carry. But thats ok, I have more than enough love to share to make 6 or 7 parents. I have waited so long for MY chance to raise a child and damned if I'm not going to do it right. Sure we all make mistakes, but I will never force my child to believe anything he/she doesn't want to. Freedom of religion, sexuality, physical appearance. Too many parents try to force their children into these molds they have created in their own minds and then become disappointed and bitter when it doesn't work out that way.

Anyway.... this "quick" first blog has quickly become quite long so I will sign off for now and write more later about Angel, King, Moe and the other animals who reside in my world. Tata for now.